Learning to own my desires and my nose was not an easy task for me. Never was. Before Prince Charming, I hid behind my insane rationality in order not to perceive my most intimate desires. Feeling wasn\’t me. Feeling hurts. So I was never the type to have sex with the guy on the first night. What if he doesn\’t want me anymore because I was easy?, worse: What if I like being with him and he doesn\’t call me because he already had what he wanted?. My silent insecurities, hidden even from myself, made my sexual experiences come down to my boyfriends. I think that if I had like three one night and nothing more guys that ended up not becoming a boyfriend, that was a lot!
But then I found myself past 30, divorced and full of self-doubt about my sexuality and sensuality. To be perfectly honest, the first guy I kissed after I broke up took me over three hours of talking and a few beers to encourage me. Did I still know how to kiss? I thought. Then comes the first kiss and you realize it\’s like riding a bike, once you learn you never forget.
Lots of other kisses and other guys followed. And I just stopped worrying about what they would think if I did this or that. I think it was the appropriation of my independence as a woman, in the broadest sense, that made me turn on the fuck.
But even though I have assumed my sexual freedom, one thing still bothers me a lot: the coldness with which one night and nothing else is often conducted. It\’s impressive how people (women too, by the way) really treat the other as an object of instant pleasure. I confess that I almost bitterly regretted having slept with some guys. Not because the sex wasn\’t good, but because it was
sex! So just sex!
A few days ago a friend invited me to go to a samba. I love samba! There\’s nothing better to cheer me up than listening to the sound of a good cavaco playing those old songs. I was still feeling really bad because of you know who and I decided to go, I needed to go.
Arriving there at the samba, I saw that one of the musicians I kissed a while ago (I swear, just a few kisses!) was there. He saw me and greeted me. During the break he came to talk to me and told me he was moving to another city. It was a very normal and short conversation, like so many others we had during samba intervals. In fact, that was all we had after the kisses. He sent me a message a few times, but there wasn\’t much to talk about, I ended up not paying much attention and he, of course, gave up.
After a few minutes of that conversation I find myself thinking about Napoleon\’s puppy again. So, on impulse (well, that\’s how it usually happens, isn\’t it?) I turned to my friend and said that I was going to give a little more than a few kisses to Pagodeiro that day. She said yes, he\’s cute and you\’re already here and laughed. I laughed too, because that\’s exactly what I thought.
I sent him a message asking what he thought about us having a beer before his move. Hours later, when I thought he\’d already \”shit\” on me (understandable in a way lol), he replied that he thought it was great and that it could be that very day – exactly as planned (bad girl!).
Well, he was already leaving and offered me a ride. To my first surprise we were talking all the way, super spontaneously and relaxed. Totally different from the slow guy in the messages. We arrived at his house and the atmosphere of relaxation continued. He, super attentive, naturally took my hand while we were still talking about some musical instruments he had in the living room and took me to the bedroom. All fluffy got under the duvet, taking me with him.
That night was amazing! Totally amazing! And I\’m not talking about sex. The sex was really good. But the best part: he reached out to me several times during the night to hug me. And I happily responded. It was everything I needed!
The next day we came talking all the way to my house too. When we said goodbye we just kissed and said goodbye! We didn\’t see each other anymore. And, honestly, I never wanted to see him again, imagining that all that affection meant any other kind of interest on both parts other than being together at a given moment.
After that I thought about how many times I wanted to say to someone: Dude, just because I\’m not thinking about having a relationship with you doesn\’t mean I can\’t be affectionate! If you don\’t like it, leave!\” Serious! Some people are so afraid of being misunderstood for their gesture that they spend their lives in their ice cocoons.
Sex without commitment yes, sex without affection no!
More affection, please! You don\’t have to be committed to someone to care.