In these past seven years as a single woman and after a few frustrated investments in men, I asked myself why men? Why am I dating men if I know all the trouble I am going to face when trying to get to know a human being who is so insecure and fearful to the point he feels the need to either possess me or run away from me?
It is so clear to me that men`s low self-esteem and lack of courage have had such a huge impact on almost all romantic relationships I have tried to embark on and the emotional work I would have to do for both of us for that to work, that keep trying felt contradictory to my rationality. Loving men sounds completely illogical, but what is logical about love? Seeking for reasons to love someone is itself a reason to just not do it.
Still, at times I questioned: why men? My quest for understanding my feelings, my thoughts, and other people`s feelings and behaviours has always brought me as much enlightenment as problems. I began to think that maybe, just maybe, I was seeing men the same way they see me: as an object. I like very much a man`s body, I like very much that magical connection between our sexual parts. It is interesting how it feels, and how wonderfully it fits.
That thought made me confused and a bit guilty. If that were true, if my love for men was made a la mode Marquis De Sade I would not bother trying to get to know them, I would not care about their feelings or even their pleasure, and it has been years since I crossed that line of doing things to just please men because I was taught so. No, sex is not purely carnal, mere animal satisfaction to me. I am loving a man when having sex with him. I feel him. I love the way our bodies move in a slow dance of surrendering in a transcendent ascension of untouchable senses, and I love letting control out of that uncalculated equation where when and how are not exact. Therefore, I could not love men only because of the shape of their bodies, that is too shallow for me, and I always knew it.
So why not women? I certainly love women, they are the reason for my strength, my fights, my dreams, and most of my feelings of belonging in this world. As little, I felt like a girl, even though I had no idea of how much that would imply in my future challenges on this planet. I never questioned my birth gender as well as my sexuality. The brave little me would go around asking boys to date her or kiss her. I knew I liked boys. However, I did have an early and naive experience with a girl without knowing what that meant. That and unfortunately the exposition to porn later proved to me that I can feel pleasure with women, that is a certainty.
Then again: is it all about pleasure? Is Dr. Freud correct that being human consists ultimately of seeking happiness through physical pleasure? That cant be right. I cant love men more than women and would not objectify a woman. So why did I never travel the curves or the heart of a woman, why did I never feel attracted to a woman as much as I am to men? Was it this culture that shaped me on such a subconscious level that I cannot even see myself in a relationship with another woman? But wouldnt that add to Dr. John Money\’s theory of cultural determinism over sexual orientation and make poor Bruce Peter Reimer\’s death in vain?
Oh no, I won\’t carry that doomed blood in my spirit. My love for men is probably a Diotimas Love. It is inherent to that need to get to know the differences, to the interrogations that bring me knowledge, to that sensation that I am learning when looking into the eyes of a creature, such a man, full of delicate feelings and deeper than he is even capable of comprehend, so minimal are the roles they were given by patriarchy when it comes to loving another human being. I probably love men for an unknown magic that amuses my curiosity, and the peace of mind I get when sensing their emotions. It is such a contentment being able to see through a man`s soul like a crystal. There is nothing more attractive than a man who lets his fears out and embraces their fragile inner pieces. Or I probably love men just because.
It is complex, and it is simple, but above all, it is about love! It is about universal love, it is about the right to love and the seeking of another kind of moral in relationships, the ethics of loving people right, people of any sex, any gender, any colour, ethnicity, nationality, or religion. Just pure, clear, honest, and empathetic love. Bell Hooks was very accurate when saying young generations are cynical about love. It is not that we dont believe in love, the problem is that we are so afraid of getting hurt that we won`t even try it.
Well, as a believer, a dreamer, and a thinker I am doing my job in healing the parts of me that are hurt and afraid. The world needs love, and I cant preach about love if I am not exercising it, acting upon it. I will not consciously ever hurt a soul because I havent learned my lessons, after all, they are ALL ABOUT LOVE.