It was after my last relationship, with an abusive narcissist (intentional redundancy alert), that I felt the need to rethink my sex life.
From the very first night with him I knew something was wrong. But I didn\’t question myself, I responded to the cries of mutual desire and we had sex, after all I was free and for some time now devoid of the macho concepts that before charged me with an almost angelic behavior if I expected the guy not to see me as an easy woman .
However, he accelerated the pace of the relationship with intensity and identifying some sexual habits in a short time was not difficult. Among them is a strong concern to diversify positions. With the passage of time and my naturalness during sex, he relaxed and began to have difficulties holding ejaculation.
It\’s bothering me that I can\’t control myself with you anymore. We need to make other positions, he said. Laughing, not realizing the seriousness of what was hidden behind his worries, I stated that the problem with men is that they learn to have sex watching porn and that there was no need for us to change positions, nor to control the moment, since there was will and naturalness.
At the end of the relationship, I ended up confirming my hypothesis when I saw the amount of pornographic films he kept in the back of his wardrobe. Contradicted by my remark, this time aggressive, he said and how did you learn to have sex?. Having sex, I replied.
After that brief dialogue, three days of clear abusive behavior followed, characterized by blackmail, offenses, lies, mood swings and others, which led me to put a painful and definitive end to the relationship.
But the energy left by being together, especially when I remembered having sex with him, made me nauseous. I confess that I am still freeing myself from this and, since then, I have cautiously chosen to get to know people better before exchanging my sexual energy, which I consider increasingly sacred (without religious connotations), with someone I do not know.
However, looking back on my adolescence, I remembered that I didn\’t learn to have sex only through sexual intercourse. The curiosity aroused by the discovery of sexuality in childhood led me and still leads countless young people to seek pornography as a means of filling the lack of information that is denied us by the consequences of the sexual taboo.
Until this last relationship I still somehow believed that watching porn was no big deal and was just an expression of my sexual freedom.
But, contrary to popular belief, this film genre does not break patterns of sexual repression. It doesn\’t even explain anything about sexuality. In reality, it establishes unrealistic standards that place women as an object of manipulation and male satisfaction and make men believe that they must comply with a script of positions and often aggression as a reference for good performance and superiority. Thus, the sexual act ceases to be a moment of exchange and real connection between the partners and becomes just an attempt to obtain pleasure through the use of the other\’s body.
The consequences of this can be varied: reinforcement of male chauvinism and female objectification, need to fantasize for pleasure, difficulties in satisfying oneself with partners in real situations, impotence, violence and physical and psychological abuse, sexual and pornography addiction, among others. .
How many of us believed that a slap on the ass, the most simple and natural aggression during sex, was normal? Even without feeling any pleasure in it? How many times have we felt horrible after having sex with someone for the first time? Have you honestly wondered how many times you\’ve had sex just because you were already there or because it\’s expected of us since we\’re free? To what extent are we really free to express our true sexuality? What is our real sexuality?
There is a great expectation created about the female body based on the lack of a sexual education that would treat sexuality naturally and not as a purely animal condition of the human being, still related to Christian concepts of sin.
As long as sexualization is not properly differentiated from sexuality, we will continue to walk the tightrope of stigmatization among whores or saints, watching our freedom be used against us, being classified as material for entertainment or marriage, suffering abuse in various ways, repressing our libido or believing that the sex for sex\’s sake is the best way to stimulate her.
Until the biases of this discussion are a subject of real social concern treated in an educational way still in adolescence, we will have to appeal to good old intuition and ask ourselves sincerely at each date: do I really want to have sex with this guy today?
There\’s nothing wrong with the One-Night Stand. I\’m not saying I\’ll never have sex with someone on the first date again. But I intend to continue making this decision consciously. Feeling if that person is able to respect my body, my limits and see me as a human being and not as an inflatable doll.
This is not romance, this is not about expecting a relationship from that night. Questioningly choosing IF and WITH WHOM we want to spend the night is the deepest meaning of sexual freedom, it is, moreover, exchange, connection and respect!