Last weekend I stopped. I stopped at once. I spent the whole weekend in bed, tossing and turning, bored. Trying to find in a book, a movie and even in the landscape the way out of my physical isolation and my mind swamped with thoughts.
The Friday leading up to that weekend, I went to bed late again after nearly three weeks of getting very little sleep. Moving house, a lot of work, adapting to new roommates, the arrival of summer and that desire to enjoy every beautiful day as if it were the last living in a place where most of the year is cold is perhaps not really good for you. my emotional balance.
All of this culminated in another short night, not because I had to get up early for work, but because I dreamed that my right hip hurt like hell and then I woke up in pain. I got up, had breakfast and started to feel the other pains in my body that had appeared two weeks ago: my knees. Then I realized that I had to stop or my body would stop with me for good. I sent a message to the boss, told him about the situation and made it clear that if I wasn\’t worried I wouldn\’t miss it. He understood without even making much effort. It was me who didn\’t understand. What the fuck was going on with my body? How could so many new pains appear in such a short time?
I started to recap (my old habit of trying to understand everything). I spent many hours on my feet on moving day and woke up with tender knees, yet that week I went to the gym, climbed the 60 floors I learned to like and that\’s when I started to feel new pain in my knee, different from the ones I already had. known for my lack of cartilage in that joint. As if that wasn\’t enough, I started working even harder, spending more hours on my feet. And when I needed to rest the most, I found myself next to roommates as full of energy as I am, inviting me to go out with them and enjoy my true passion life!
And in this rush, in this desire to enjoy life, a longing got in the way of me, occupying valuable time in my mind, making the speed of things seem even faster, sucking an enormous amount of energy from my body, making my days more exhaustive.
I had to stop, my body had to stop, my mind had to stop for a few days, recharge, so I could figure out why the fuck I was running so much, especially thinking so much, if I started to be happy when I really stopped caring. worry, to plan so much.
Behold, without even having to ask me, the answer came.
At the end of the two days practically lying down, the lack that always existed of having that someone by my side screamed deafeningly when I felt bad because a new crush, with whom I didn\’t even have a special connection, started treating me differently. The change in behavior and the feeling of rejection gave me a beating and threw me on the bed along with the physical pains in my body. I fell asleep again. But I realized, clearly and perhaps finally, that all this time I was subconsciously trying to find in the first guy super interested in me someone to fill this hole in my chest that has existed for a long, long time.
It\’s not easy to see that if you\’re the type of person who\’d rather have a good partner by your side than kiss a different guy every weekend. And, despite knowing and agreeing with all the theories like you are not half an orange or you have to feel complete, so being with someone will be a matter of choice, this has never quite worked out for me since this huge hole of the shortage appeared. And to be quite honest, when in life will I, a person of people, ever feel complete alone? Never! If I don\’t talk to even one human being on my freak out day, my brain will probably think I\’m living in some other dimension. I\’ve always been like this, since I was a tomboy. I go out there making friends, talking to God, the world and myself. I think being alone has never been for me.
Once I realized all this, I could finally fall asleep and something changed inside me that night. Despite the tiredness of having slept little, the next day I woke up with a desire to be free, as if that hole had suddenly been filled. It was a very strange feeling. I don\’t think I\’ve ever truly felt that way, not even when I imagined myself single for the rest of my life, before I met Prince Charming.
I can\’t say that hole was really filled, I don\’t know if it could happen so suddenly. All I know is that I felt an enormous desire to continue getting to know the world, people and myself. And I also felt completely unprepared to enter into any serious relationship with another human being. Not out of fear. I just felt that need to know more about people, more about myself, to be ready for it. And it makes as much sense as how contradictory it may appear. I believe that as in any area of life, you can only be ready for a relationship if you\’ve already practiced relationship a lot, especially with yourself. So, no, I won\’t avoid getting into a relationship if that\’s my real desire. But I don\’t feel like I\’m going to jump into a relationship with the first nice guy that comes along anymore.
Something tells me that now I will be able to walk in this area of my life. And when it has to be, it will flow, naturally, without haste. After all, when we run too hard to plug these holes, in addition to getting hurt, we can still lose a shoe along the way and end up attracting the first idiot dressed as a Prince that comes along. So what\’s the rush, Cinderella? Don\’t run, walk…