Two weeks ago you said goodbye to me at the airport, leaving an immense void in my heart. It made me want to catch the first flight back to Brazil. But sitting there on a bench, waiting for my crying to calm down so I could take the Airtrain back to Jamaica Plain, I remembered you telling me to take it easy, not to do anything in a hurry. And even though this nostalgia hurts my chest making me want a little medicine to pass (I\’m not one to take medicine!), I know you\’re right. It feels like I\’ve lived here for so long and so much has changed in this country of ours that it\’s become a place I can\’t imagine living anymore. It could really just be a foreign country whose name has the letter Z in the middle, if it weren\’t for you and this family that I love so much… Maybe knowing that, knowing my anxiety and my way of making decisions on impulse sometimes, you tell me to take it easy. So I have no option but to wait for the pain of parting to pass.
But each day after your departure brings me a memory. Nights watching Ninja versus Ninja have become one of my favorite memories of the simple joys of everyday life. Your curiosity and your willingness to learn a few words in English so you don\’t feel ashamed when someone talks to you and tries to get by on your own surprised me and filled me with pride. This pride I made a point of declaring on the day of the Red Sox game, when we got drunk and talked about what we did and are doing with our lives one of the things I miss most here, our conversations, with their life stories, having some at the farm. Except for the fact that I never drank so much at the farm that I got sick and you laugh at me puking everywhere,
And every day I am more surprised at how similar we are. Same snotty hangover the next day after taking more than you should lol. Our tiredness and lack of excitement to go shopping, although you did a lot, like you never did in your life, which made me very happy, because you deserve a lot. Our nonconformist way of sometimes disagreeing about the country\’s policy. The lack of patience in a few hours and that slight urge to punch something, I definitely got it from you lol. The fear of change or the delay in adapting to changes, it took me a while to discover (of course, because I\’m slow, right lol), but I think that\’s yours too. What I understand more every day, I think that every crazy person needs a certain routine to organize life and when that changes, it takes time to get used to it and fit into the new situation.
That\’s how I prepared for your arrival, a wonderful change of routine. And I enjoyed every minute of my life here with you. Waking up with the smell of your strong coffee in the morning or with you waking us up to have breakfast together, because you got up early a while ago and you\’re bored wanting company lol. His way of not smiling to take a picture, which was even noticed by the hostess at the restaurant in Salem lol. But in those 14 days you smiled more than I expected, more than I\’ve ever seen you smile in a lifetime maybe. You seemed pretty happy with this change of routine. So happy that you finally realized that, despite long walks to see everything (and an endless bridge called Brooklin lol), there is a whole life outside your usual life, a whole world waiting to be discovered by you. Yea,
Today is Father\’s Day in Brazil (now with a Z for me) and all I want is to see you smile more at life like this, that happy smile you don\’t even know you have. May you even allow yourself to present yourself by knowing the world outside. You\’ve already fixed a lot of holes in this São Paulo, it\’s time to start exploring outside of them. Don\’t worry, there\’s no shortage of things to fix and crafts to do. There will always be a broken Havaiana to put a nail in. Mine broke two days after you left. It took me over a week thinking that if it had happened before you came I could have asked you to bring me a new one. It wasn\’t until Friday that I remembered you repairing Su\’s here in Boston. Then I also remembered so many others fixed in our childhood, result of having four children and a humble but very happy childhood. I fixed mine yesterday, until the new one arrives. It was perfect!
Thank you for teaching me how to fix my Havaiana so I can walk freely around. Thank you for so many other things that would make this letter even bigger if I said so. Today is Father\’s Day, but as I told you many times here, when you insisted on giving me a gift, you are my gift and I am the one who gets something today!
That even far away we can celebrate this gift in my life for many, many years!
I love you daddy…