Over the past year, I confess, I\’ve asked myself this question a few times. I tried to ignore it in all of them, believing that the questioning was the result of the moment of melancholy, the feeling of paralysis of life, the lack of control over almost everything around me and mainly inside.
Until I literally fell face down on the ground (read text AN ADDENDUM ON ABUSE So I admitted that I needed to take a closer look at my frustrations, pains and losses. Not that I was denying them, but as a simple solution to them I ended up putting my future projects, which ultimately boiled down to leaving Brazil again, period!
But a few days after the fall I had an interesting conversation with someone that made me really face up to this question. It was the Friday leading up to Mother\’s Day weekend. I was shopping at the cashier in a bit of a hurry, as the market was very busy due to the date, when a man with a familiar face, despite the mask, approached me.
I asked the usual questions, following the service protocol and started to pass on his purchase. I realized that he needed help packing, or I was the one who wanted him to pack faster so that the market\’s prompt service policy was followed, and I started putting the products in the bags.
At that point I already suspected that he could be the lead singer of a Brazilian pop rock band, but it\’s me, you know, I had to ask. While packing I took the opportunity to say that his face was not strange to me. The man humbly replied that he sang in a band, Capital Inicial, confirming my suspicions.
Of course I did! The band even played at some festivals in the course I attended. He seemed to be surprised by the information and asked did you take a course?. After my first yes, a sequence of questions and answers started spontaneously.
Yes, I took a course. I studied Sociology for three years at USP, then two years of Science and Technology at UFABC and three more years of Biology, a course in which I graduated. I was a science teacher for four years, I almost went crazy and ended up resigning to spend time in Boston, United States, where I returned a year ago.
The more I answered, the more he seemed absorbed and intrigued. In his eyes was stamped a question he didn\’t have to ask: what are you doing there working as a cashier at the market?
He certainly wasn\’t judging me, quite the opposite. He was trying to understand, like many other people, perhaps with some indignation regarding job opportunities and the situation in our country. Let\’s face it, I must not be the only person out there qualified to work in something else.
I responded to his questioning look and unspoken question: I needed to pay my bills. It\’s okay, it\’s a decent job like any other. He agreed, of course it\’s decent work! But he encouraged me to go back to school and wished me luck in the end.
It was a quick but deep conversation. Dinho Ouro Preto felt that something was very wrong there and I knew I could no longer ignore that question.
Okay, all my choices, my changes in direction, the detours along the way, those mistakes and successes built the person I am today, so what?!
The truth is that until that moment, since I arrived, the person I was felt an enormous void and didn\’t know what else to do with all that luggage, apparently unused. Because reality stimulated my rigid, critical and tough side in those moments of questioning.
I studied a bunch of things, experienced several others and here I am, in a pandemic Brazil of extremist fanatics, living with my mother again, getting up from another abusive relationship and other truths that have slapped me in the face lately.
What to do with all this?
Appropriating the emptiness and anguish was the first step. Looking at what could be changed and working on acceptance for resilience (it\’s not Buddhist monk talk, it\’s necessity, it\’s survival, it\’s real!). After all, I\’ve fought so hard so far, why stop now? And why hurry?
It is the increasingly familiar to me everything is as it should be. Sometimes easier to understand in theory than in practice. No, it is not conformism. It\’s about seeing what you really can\’t change now and appreciating what you have. Believe me, there are many more things you can do today!
Since then, many things have changed, discreetly but significantly. I continue to work as a market cashier, but I enjoy being there even more. I love talking to people, connecting with them within a few minutes of contact. I\’ve been taking advantage of this more intensely, because I know that one day I won\’t be there anymore.
It\’s what I believe I\’ve done best in life, caring about human beings, the story behind their faces, wanting to get to know them beyond their social roles.
It is also our roles that make us lose ourselves and start to believe that something has gone wrong. There\’s nothing wrong with me or you!
Sometimes we just need some help to understand the moment, strength to resume projects, patience to wait for what is ours and gratitude for having the opportunity to grow with adversity and being able to see life with the eyes of the soul.
Keep going and enjoy the walk, it worked!