When I left Brazil, I regained my normal 47kg that I carried through my life before getting married, I had perfect health and skin, my unruly hair was apparently tamed and my image was probably that of a strong and courageous person, for deciding to leave public office, a recent but incredible relationship, and my family, who I dare say is the great love of my life.
The vast majority of people around me praised my bravery, my decision to drop everything and take my chances in foreign lands. But just like when I broke up, I didn\’t feel brave at all. I felt insecure, extremely vulnerable and still had a huge hole left by my marriage. I was still lost and a lot. And, honestly, in both situations, leaving the marriage and the country, it was much more a question of survival, of the need to find my soul again than a thoughtful and conscious decision. I can say that in both situations, if it weren\’t for the support of other minds more aware of my own situation than I am, I would still be in Brazil and maybe even married.
No, that false perfection, that false idea that people had of myself, didn\’t suit me, I didn\’t feel brave. The truth is that all my life, when I didn\’t have someone to make decisions for me and tell me what I should do, I made them extremely rationally, without observing my own feelings, without looking at myself. Well, me? Who was I, if as a teenager I decided that feeling hurt too much and that I definitely didn\’t want to deal with that?
From then on, I really tried not to deal with anything else that was out of my control. I no longer ventured out with friends on the street, it was a waste of time. I didn\’t risk crushing on guys who hadn\’t proven to move worlds for me, it wasn\’t safe. I didn\’t have the patience to deal with the organic changes in my changing body. The hair was tied up or straightened. I started taking birth control when I was 15. The lack of control of my period, the horrible pain of the cramps and the risk of a possible pregnancy when I started having sex were definitely unthinkable for me. My life was mine and I would feel only what I wanted to feel. I would choose to relate to people who didn\’t bother me at all. If something was very different from me, or for me, I would try to get rid of it. And so I got rid of people, situations,
It worked for a while. It worked until all those layers that hid my fears, my insecurities and needs were peeled away mercilessly, like a plaster that covers a wound that has been open for a long time is removed in a single tug. They were removed by the pain of my separation, showing a huge hole there.
So, in the blink of an eye, after 20 years, I found myself here in the fucking cold, without work, without anyone who could tell me what to do, far from any reference, any situation or common place in which I already knew how to act, I was used to it. I thought about going back, I was afraid, but I stayed
Two and a half years later I count a broken wrist, a sprained foot, four burn scars, a few extra pounds and a lot of cellulite; pimple marks on face, back and chest; a cut scar, some varicose veins, flaky scalp, menstruation and hormones a little out of control, aged hands and wrinkles; heart broken and mended by a few times and the uncertainty about when I will leave here and where I will go.
Absolutely that would have been a horror movie description for me a few years ago. Not having control of my body, my emotions and my life was really terrifying for me. But what I didn\’t know, what nobody tells you when you\’re a kid, is that as long as you\’re truly living, you can and will get hurt. You\’ll wake up one day and not like your body, but after a while you\’ll start trying to understand it. The sprained foot, broken wrist and scars will be stories to tell and precautions to take. Imperfect skin is more a reflection of how you\’ve weathered the winters of your life and how you\’re taking care of yourself than a lack of birth control. The pain of a broken heart is no longer as intense as the first time you felt it, and however much you may have your heart broken again, it won\’t be so painful anymore. Anxieties about life projects, about how you are getting older and when you will land in what will be your corner at the end of your life will invariably appear, but as long as you have learned the lesson that living, feeling, letting it hurt and crying do part of the group to love, laugh and be happy, they too will pass.
They will pass, because now you really feel that you are strong, you are brave and you feel that everything is going to be okay. Because you arrived alone in a somewhat inhospitable place, very scared and everything worked out!
It is true that everything will not always be fine.
That hole left by my breakup is still there, I still miss having that special someone (otherwise it wouldn\’t be Cinderella, would it?!). There are days when I sleep and wake up with a huge desire to cry. It\’s those days when the longing for the family and the uncertainties of the future decide to throw themselves into that hole, making it look like a well of sadness. And it\’s okay too. Because now I know I don\’t have to be perfect, I don\’t have to control everything. Because now I know that hole is just a small well and that soon the nostalgia and uncertainties will no longer fit there, because it\’s getting smaller and smaller. Now I know who I am. Now I have scars and wrinkles to remind me, in case I forget…