When I was 10 years old I saw a blond boy from the year before mine at school and I liked it. Without thinking, obviously, because children don\’t think much, I went there and asked him to be my girlfriend. I don\’t know if he had a lot of options or time to decide, but he accepted lol. I think it lasted about three weeks at most, maybe it lasted until I started to like a boy in my class very much, so much so that I never forgot his name: Bruno Prieto.
He liked my best friend, who in turn didn\’t care about him. I did it because I did it and managed to kiss Bruno Prieto. But there was no way, he didn\’t like me and our childish relationship didn\’t go beyond that kiss. After a couple of years, when I asked another boy at school for a kiss, I ended up forgetting about Bruno Prieto. And so I continued to orchestrate kisses and go where to get them, until the boys finally started to let go of the cart and ball a little and started to take the initiative.
So I went through the ghost of my much talked about and reclusive adolescence and when I came out of it I was no longer that brave, fearless and impulsive girl. I started to fear rejection, to try to dress and behave in a way that would not please or displease most people, and to worry a lot about what others thought.
The need to act accordingly, please others and be like everyone else is sometimes so strong within us that even if you manage to find that fearless girl of yours again, that voice that spent years keeping you within the norms and standards accepted by society will still criticize you every time you act in accordance with what your true self wants.
I had been wanting to buy a red hat for a long time. I already had the product saved in my eBay listing. Months and months passed until I finally bought it. The first time I wore the hat, I asked everyone at home for their opinion before leaving to see if I was matching, although I knew that it was and I felt beautiful with it. I finally decided to face it and leave with the hat on my head. It took a long time for me to get used to the accessory and the looks, but once I got used to it, I couldn\’t take it off. The feeling of freedom and authenticity is so great that the second time I used it it was to go on a date. That judgmental voice tried to tell me Are you going to wear the hat on the first date? It will scare the person, it is very
flashy. I have to confess that I hesitated, for a second, but in the next second I thought if the person is scared by my personality it is because she is not for me. I left with the hat, without a doubt, and feeling extremely in control of myself.
There are many red hats that we stop wearing throughout our lives because we are worried, deep down, about what others will think. There are so many castrating thoughts that we have that we convince ourselves that we don\’t do this or that because we don\’t feel good about ourselves.
The other day I went to a bar with a very dear friend and she started to compliment my blouse with a halter neck and a wide open back. I said my sister had given it to me and that I don\’t usually wear a halter because I don\’t really like the feeling of something squeezing my neck, but that one was really comfortable. She said she thought it was beautiful and that I wish she could use it. I asked why not. Then my friend told me ah, I don\’t have those skinny backs anymore. I even tried to argue that my back is now pockmarked with pimples, but that I want more is fuck it! It\’s not that the spots don\’t bother me, but I just try not to look at my back and see only the marks I\’ve acquired since I stopped using birth control. It was no use, my friend said it wouldn\’t feel good wearing that blouse. I felt sad for her, maybe she doesn\’t know how beautiful she is or maybe that critical voice is very authoritative in her head.
I know how it is. Mine was preventing me from living, from relating, from saying what I feel, knowing how I feel, from kissing!!! Yes, I\’ve spent my adult life waiting for guys to act. Waiting for them to ask my name, waiting for them to sing me, waiting for the time when they would kiss me, just waiting
Afraid! Fear of being rejected, fear of acting at the wrong time, fear of being judged too independent, or too affectionate
There were so many fears that I no longer even knew what I wanted. Because it feels so good but so scary to know what you want. It\’s scary to really want something too much. What if we can\’t reach it? What if we catch up and then lose it?
Ahhh, but the world of ´´ what if ´´ is very limiting, boring and shouldn\’t even exist. There\’s no way to know what\’s going to happen the next minute. We cannot control this. The only choice we can make is to live according to our true desires or not. The after is a beautiful surprise for those who believe, like me, that living with intensity, with their truth, is worth it. For those who ask the guy out or send the message. For those who are the first to say I love you or I want you inside me now!.
The later can be left for later. If you get hurt, if it\’s not like you expected, because we always wait, do like when we were children, start screaming, run to your mother\’s lap and when you least expect it, it will be over. But live! Wear your red hat, yellow hat, whatever color it is. Wear your tight clothes and let the extra pounds show for the pleasure you got from eating a little more. Call if you feel like calling. Hug if you want to hug, trance if you want to have sex, ask for a kiss, kiss, grab! Abuse and smear your freedom to be. Be! I? Ahhh, it\’s been a while since I\’ve waited any longer, I really kiss!