One of the few people I told that I was returning to Brazil asked me if I was happy with the decision. I said yes, that I was coming back with an open heart. I don\’t think I\’ve ever used that term before, at least not properly, not so honestly and spontaneously.
But thinking about how we live in this world, how we see our relationship with it and our entire existence, being really open-hearted is one of the hardest things to feel.
Being open-hearted does not mean there is no fear. Fuck, going from a relatively comfortable situation to a totally unfamiliar situation where nothing is in my control is frightening as hell! The not knowing has always been a reason for panic for me. In fact, it seems to be a cause for anxiety for almost every human being these days.
Let\’s remember that we live in a world full of standards and \”not knowing\” means that maybe you are questioning them or that maybe you don\’t fit into any of them, both give a hell of insecurity. Therefore, not knowing is not socially accepted. Just like choosing to butt on the couch out of sheer laziness every now and then. But here comes a pandemic from which no one knows for sure when we\’re going to leave and what we have to do is exactly spend many hours ass on the couch, so we see ourselves beyond anxious, guilty, for not being useful.
I am no different from anyone else when it comes to feeling. The current situation makes me fear, anguish, anxiety and a few days ago I experienced guilt for deciding to postpone finishing the book for a few more days when my brother showed up by surprise at the farm with my nephews and his wife. But the difference between the Cecília of now and the Cecília of a few years ago is that I have chosen to act with an open heart. This means thinking that each moment is unique and in this case enjoying my family, whom I haven\’t seen for years, was more valuable to me than finishing the book so that I could feel more productive or so that I could start to have some certainty about my future.
After all, isn\’t my book about my relationship with myself and the world? Is it not an inexplicable love, in its most universal form, that has ruled my life over these last few years? Isn\’t it in the quest for self-love to be present and conscious in our actions? What would become of me if over these three years I had focused only on my professional future and money? To that yes I answer with all certainty that it would have been nothing. That I would only have moved to another country, but that I would still be the same person, insecure, trying to control all the variables in my life, without experiencing everything I experienced with an open heart, without showing my weaknesses and proving my strength, without showing all the love that was stored inside of me to all the people I met in these last three years and to whom I gave my best and most authentic self. If it weren\’t for living in the present, grateful for every small and wonderful thing that happens to me, I wouldn\’t have the perspective I have on my life today, and without that there wouldn\’t be a book.
Damn, sometimes words fail for this writer – as I was nicknamed by one of the best friends I made back in Boston, to describe the truth of living life with an open heart. I spent three years away, three years thinking that my place was there because I could be myself, to get here and realize in a few days that the problem wasn\’t the people around who didn\’t accept me, of course some will never understand because we are the way we are, human beings still have a lot to evolve in the energy of love, but the biggest problem was me, who had closed my heart so long ago that I couldn\’t give them what I wanted them to give it to me. It was simply wonderful to feel how well I was received by my nephews, who barely remembered me, because I left when they were still very young. It was wonderful to give all the love I cultivated for them while I was away and receive it back without even having to ask. In fact, it was wonderful to feel how well I was received by everyone, even with many hugs from a distance.
Therefore, when people ask me how long I\’ll stay, or if I\’m back for good, what are my plans, if I\’m happy, I answer, but without being sure of anything, with an open heart. And every time my self-criticism, questions and fear hit me, I try to face them with the same perspective I faced them when I arrived in Boston, with an open heart, believing that whatever happens, everything will work out.