When my social distance started on March 17th, I had several plans: to take advantage of my time to resume the YouTube channel, dedicate myself better to my pages, write at least one text a week on the Blog, as I had not been able to do for a long time to do; finally finish writing the remaining two chapters of the book, establish a solid routine of meditation, yoga, tai chi, spiritualist studies, start reading a new book and writing the second book. As always, very high expectations.
On the first day I had to put my cell phone on mute. Apparently people started taking the time to reconnect with long lost friends and to talk even more with those closest to them and family. After the first two days I understood that the beginning of isolation would be just like that, so I decided not to get frustrated with not fulfilling the planned tasks. At the end of the first week of isolation, I finally managed to post a text for the blog and a video for the channel of youtube and, as a start to a diet, I set Monday of the second week to start my social isolation plan. The week started and online communication went full steam ahead. I was able to continue with my spiritual connection routine with myself and the planet, not the way I had planned, but the way it turned out. The important thing was that every day I was taking a moment to be silent with myself and the world. However, I wasn\’t able to edit and post the other two videos I made and the texts I thought about writing for the blog didn\’t make me feel inspired. I just couldn\’t write. Same thing with the book. I decided to start walking to a park behind the house and through the neighborhood. And there I was, with a mask and gloves. Along the way, all that protection made no sense to me. I couldn\’t breathe properly and feel the wind on my face. So when I felt safe, away from people, I took off all the paraphernalia and it seemed that even the birds I could hear better. And every beautiful bird I\’ve never seen before. That did inspire me. Behold, the month of April began and with it the daily rains, making me feel isolated. I didn\’t even mind that I didn\’t see people, since I talked to a lot of people every day. But it bothered me that I couldn\’t go for a walk and enjoy the surrounding landscape. From inside my room I remembered my first rainy April in Boston. A strange longing hit me. Something inside me was still telling me that it wasn\’t the time to post videos or write for the blog and that\’s okay, I had already accepted that. Just like I had already accepted the fact that it wasn\’t just people who texted me all day every day. I wanted to talk to them too, I needed the distraction, though I didn\’t know why. I don\’t think I\’ve ever felt so close to the higher energy that guides us as I did these days and following what I felt seemed easier than ever, so I just accepted. Accepted and cooked. Accepted and baked cake. My days of social distancing came down to: working on my spirituality, talking to people and cooking. And that\’s okay. At no point did I complain about being isolated, even though plans didn\’t go as I had planned. However, I still couldn\’t finish the book. There was a strange restlessness every time I opened the laptop to do it and that was perhaps the only thing difficult to accept, because my book is my baby, how could I not be dedicating myself to it if I now had time? At the end of the third week, in addition to restlessness, anguish, a tightness in my chest, I began to feel and although my neurotic side wanted to think that maybe it was the symptoms of a corona virus infection lol, the hypothesis did not last long. Restlessness and insomnia, which turned into inexplicable anxiety, were questioned on the fourth night of anguish, after finally starting the penultimate chapter of the book. It was on Monday, April 6th, while I was writing about how I met the guy with the which I had the best relationship of my life, that anxiety reached its peak. As I was describing the details of the place where I met him, my father\’s farm in the interior, the longing for the place, which I hadn\’t felt like that for a long time, grew inexplicably. I was extremely agitated. I couldn\’t finish the chapter. I baked a cake, took a shower and watched a movie. And at 1:30 am I still couldn\’t sleep. An irritation, an anger took over. If I was fine so what was the problem? I sat on the bed and with my eyes open in the dark I questioned God: What do you want from me?. I took a deep breath, asked him to give me a sign, because I didn\’t understand that anxiety. I lay down again and slept. The next day, while having my breakfast, a co-worker called me. I debated whether I should pick up now or not, since, as an effort at self-improvement, I\’ve been trying to focus on what I\’m doing, which, in this case, was finishing my breakfast. But after a few rings I thought it was just better to answer. I answered and my friend told me that the company\’s forecast to hire outsourced workers again was, perhaps, September. I didn\’t change. I did not think. My answer to him came from the inside out: then I\’m going home. He laughed, not believing it. I said I was serious, that it didn\’t make sense for me to be waiting if I had to leave at some point. And maybe that\’s why he didn\’t believe it. Maybe that\’s why no one believed it, not even myself. Because every time I set a date to leave, since I decided to leave a year ago, something happened and I postponed it. I knew there was my very big fear of change. I knew there would be sadness in leaving Boston and the wonderful family of friends I gained there. I called my brother in Australia to get his opinion on what I had just decided without thinking. He is endowed with a lot of common sense and rationality, I needed to know if he was making the right decision, even though inside me everything seemed to fall into place. What I\’d been feeling seemed to have finally lined up and surprisingly I was very happy with a decision that didn\’t even cross my mind to make so soon. And confirming the sign I had asked God for the night before, my brother told me it was the best decision I could have made. I slept very well that night. The next day I had already arranged a quarantine plan with my sister when I arrived in Brazil, talked to my roommate about the move, bought the ticket and called my parents to tell them. Seeing their tears of happiness was priceless. I felt more and more every day that I had made the right decision. Dissatisfaction with the work routine since November, the longing that I never had and strangely started to feel for Brazil while my mother visited me in February and that unexplained anxiety in the last few days were all symptoms of my soul telling me that my time in Boston was already over. At least for now. I just thought I would have more time to sort things out and leave, but no. The cancellation of flights by airlines meant that I had exactly one week to get organized and say goodbye to everything that was my life until another day. I managed to arrange everything to leave in six days. The day before I left Boston I finally started to shed a few tears and that\’s also when the ego\’s fear of change started to get the better of me. I slept little that night, I couldn\’t even go out for a walk early in the morning and say goodbye to that beautiful neighborhood in which I happily lived almost my entire last year. When friends came to pick me up to take me to the airport, the car was full of loved ones and I wanted to cry again. It wasn\’t just longing, it was love. How much love I was grateful for those last three years. How much growth I owed to that city, my beloved Boston. The flights were complicated, emotionally speaking. In a mix of happiness, sadness and fear. When my sister picked me up at the airport to go to my father\’s farm to do the quarantine before I go to my mother\’s house in São Paulo, I still didn\’t feel like I was back. There was a strange feeling that I wasn\’t here in Brazil, but I wasn\’t back in Boston either. I spent the day talking with the friends who stayed and also with those here, because I didn\’t tell almost anyone that I was coming back, since I wasn\’t even sure if I would be able to board. At night I had trouble sleeping, even though I was exhausted from the last two sleepless nights. Today when I woke up, in this wonderful place, the same one where the book is parked, I realized that I\’m not really there or here. I\’m not in Brazil because this is my home and where my family and old friends are. And I didn\’t stay in Boston because that\’s where my quality of life was wonderful and my new family was. I carried all the love I had here when I went there and curiously I was closer to the people here when I was there. And now I carry with me all the love I have there and every minute I remember everything and everyone, they are very present here in my chest. I went because I had to go and I came back because it was time to go back. No, I\’m not back home. And no, I didn\’t leave my home back in Boston. I returned to Brazil bringing with me the person I discovered there. Much more than the longing for what was left, I have the love that I brought inside of me, an inexplicable happiness and confidence in my uncertain path like I never had. I didn\’t go back home, I came back to myself. And it\’s still going to take a while to believe that nothing, but everything has changed. an inexplicable happiness and confidence in my uncertain path like I never had. I didn\’t go back home, I came back to myself. And it\’s still going to take a while to believe that nothing, but everything has changed. an inexplicable happiness and confidence in my uncertain path like I never had. I didn\’t go back home, I came back to myself. And it\’s still going to take a while to believe that nothing, but everything has changed.