I haven\’t written for three weeks, at 3 am that night Mom\’s birthday gave me another inspiration. I think it culminated in a series of events: my birthday two weeks ago, three big goodbyes last week, and a long conversation with a friend last night about how we approach life. All of this helped lead me to this meaningful bit of insomnia.
Although changes are a fundamental part of life for our growth, we find it difficult to accept them and position ourselves in front of them.
Having a birthday, or getting older, as you prefer, is one of them. But despite all my difficulty with changes, I swear on my feet that turning 36 was not that difficult for me. Even though all my critical and vain side sometimes demands that I have things that a normal adult my age would have or act like a normal adult my age would act, I am proud to say that I feel fulfilled in being abnormal lol .
Maybe that\’s why lately it\’s been easier to deal with changes, because I know I don\’t deal with them in a normal way, it\’s difficult, so I prepare myself, you understand? Let me explain better, from the moment I see my fears and accept my limits, I can handle it better when something changes. Okay, to make it simpler: everything passes, accept that it hurts less, the only solution is death, changes are always for the better and so on.
These aren\’t just words of encouragement posted on Facebook or spoken by a friend when you\’re down in the dumps. Princesses, it\’s real, official, it\’s fact. How do I know this? Rapping myself, falling and getting up, learning and allowing myself to live everything I have a right to, in my own way, letting my personality loose, being who I am, who I was born to be, but above all with Mom!
Not just because Mom always told me these things and encouraged me, no. But because for a long time she fucked the standards of marriage and the so-called traditional Brazilian family (it seems that now it\’s fashionable to say that shit to try to classify what is right or wrong for some people, right
) and the despite all the demands of all her papers she got into the woods of her self discovery leaving me pissed off!
That\’s right, whore, mad as hell, angry. At the same time that I admired her courage and faith, my longing for her and what I thought was right having our happy family always together, made me know the true meaning of the duality Love and Hate.
I grew up blaming Mom for being the way I was and not in a good way. My fear of getting married and having children, my insecurity in the face of any changes in life, my low self-esteem to believe that I would be able to carry out a new project
It took me many years, a huge ego knocked down by a fairytale marriage, a dignified divorce of a Shakespearean drama and an unplanned move to another country so that I could really begin to understand Mom, own who I was and hold her accountable for what she actually gave me.
If it weren\’t for her I wouldn\’t be here in my safe insecurities living happily in life. I wouldn\’t have had the courage to do things I never thought I could or just wouldn\’t allow myself. I wouldn\’t be proud of my wide smile or laugh at my absent-mindedness. In fact, if it weren\’t for her, I wouldn\’t even have learned to laugh at myself or with myself. I would continue to see a world in black and white, within the standards, just me, who love color and diversity. If it weren\’t for her, I wouldn\’t be learning what true love is, love for myself. If it weren\’t for her, I wouldn\’t have remembered who I was, who I had forgotten behind because I thought I had to be different. Mom, far or near, was always there to remind me and give me a hand, or shake me up.
I don\’t know if today, on turning 65, after all this journey and so much responsibility, mom already knows who she is. But I can say that I know, and, just like she did with me, I will be here celebrating and reminding her for many more years of how lucky I am to be able to learn from her every single day to be happy for being ourselves.
Cheers to Mom, I wish I could keep blaming her for being too happy!