Boston, November 28, 2019.
Today is Thanksgiving Day here in America. America is another country, which is actually called the United States of America. This is your third Thanksgiving celebration. That\’s right, it\’s been almost three years since you\’ve lived here.
You\’ll learn English at school, which you\’ll go back to with determination after divorcing your Prince Charming, the origin of Thanksgiving, but for now, you just need to know that it\’s the day when people who love each other get together here and give thanks for all the bounty in their lives.
But by then you\’ll have learned to be grateful for every minute of your existence. For every mistake, which you will no longer regard as a mistake. For every choice you made and for every path your life took. Because today, almost thirty-four years have passed since the day you took that photo running in front of the old house in the Aclimação neighborhood in São Paulo.
You are only two years old, but you need to know that your authenticity helped me a lot in many moments when I was lost, not knowing who I was. When I looked at you in that photo, I knew I would find that mischievous laugh of yours again, your joy and boldness. Her voluminous hair and her casual denim overalls, with no T-shirt underneath, reminded me that I would rediscover my authenticity one day and that I would no longer be afraid to dress differently or attract attention like you, little Cecília.
I write to you today, to thank you for being who you are and to tell you that, no matter what happens, no matter that you feel alone, abandoned, or rejected, because it will happen; You will feel, and still very young, these pains in a very intense way, because you are sensitive, but don\’t give up, I am with you, I will always be.
You will lose people you love. They\’ll go on with their lives and you\’ll think they don\’t like you. You\’ll think you\’re alone, but I\’ll be there. Even if more rigid, colder, more individualistic. I\’m there, hurt, wounded, but I\’m there. Don\’t give up looking for me, don\’t give up calling my attention to you, never.
It\’s going to hurt, it\’s going to hurt so much that you\’re going to think that the only option is to become extremely rational and you\’re going to shut down. You will become extremely independent, focused, ambitious, often insensitive and will try to ignore your emotions and fake your feelings. And then, you\’ll think you\’re strong, that no one can hurt you anymore. And you are strong, but not because you closed yourself off from the world, but because when you found yourself alone you did what you could, even if it meant putting all your sweet, spontaneous, sensitive, cheerful, mischievous and fun side inside a trunk. made of wood and kept in such a hidden place for protection that only a true fairytale prince would be able to open it.
Yeah, you, who don\’t believe in fairy tales. I know you\’re romantic and you think they\’re cute. You even dress like a princess, you like to be pampered and treated well, but you know that you don\’t want someone living for you and demanding perfection from you that you can\’t and don\’t want to give.
But when you put everything in that trunk and hid it, you opened a door for someone to come and retrieve that hidden treasure, which is your sensitivity, your love for life and people. And then, whoever discovered it will take hold of that treasure and use it as he sees fit and you will allow it, for a while. Because you will feel safe, you will feel loved. And that\’s okay. You will need that love. But it will start to suffocate you and you will succumb. You will panic, despair, you will no longer know who you are and what you want. Trust. Yours are around you again. Those you believed had abandoned you will approach, showing that they were always there in some way and that you don\’t have to face anything alone, ask. Ask for help, ask for love and presence.
You will manage to get out of that dependency relationship, that depression. You will still feel alone and very lost. But it is in the emptiness of your solitude that we will begin to meet.
You will still have old habits from when you closed yourself off and you will try to control various aspects of your life in order to finally find me and that will make you desperate because it won\’t work. But I\’ll be there and somehow I\’ll give you signs. When you can\’t hear me, can\’t see me, life will find ways to guide you in my direction.
But you will need to abandon everything that gives you security, leave behind all your references. Family, friends, boyfriend, your cats, books, clothes, your job, your car, pretty much everything. You will be afraid, very afraid. It will be the height of the feeling of emptiness, of being lost. But it will also be the culmination of your desire to find me. Your determination to look for me will make you find courage in your sensitivity, strength in longing, love in sadness.
That\’s how you\’ll end up here. You will be right next to me when you arrive in this country. Because you will allow yourself to be everything you considered weakness back there. And you\’ll feel all those pains you wanted to avoid and some new ones, physical and emotional.
You\’ll realize that, despite having found me and feeling new, alive, like you never were, your body is almost thirty-seven years old, it\’s not the same anymore and you\’ll have to learn to respect it.
Already the emotional pains, the ones you avoided your whole life, they will hurt a lot, but you will no longer be able to close. You won\’t even want that. Because now that you\’ve found me, you feel really safe to deal with them. You will still try to look for strategies to try to control situations so that it hurts less. But I\’ll be there, I\’m here, to tell you that this will cause you more anguish and anxiety. So I will advise you to just feel and let go. An hour will pass. You are strong, you will have been through a lot. The pain of a broken heart will help you realize what you want and, more and more, who you are. There will come a time when you won\’t be able to cry anymore. Your chest will literally hurt. You\’re going to charge yourself with crying, because you already know that crying relieves. But maybe the time for crying over a broken heart is over too. You will be better every day and willing to let life happen, although you will already be making plans to leave again for your next adventure. Because you are a princess, but an imperfectly free princess and I love you deeply, just like that.
Do not give up. Never. Enjoy your life, with all its intensity and sensitivity. I will be with you to protect you, even when you can\’t see me.
Happy Thanksgiving!