Even though I was starting to strongly believe in astral hell and I didn\’t have my thoughts in place since Christmas, I couldn\’t help but think about my New Year\’s wishes when the 31st of December knocked on my door.
The only problem is that, like last year, I didn\’t quite know what to order. A Green Card perhaps? Win the Mega Million or the Power Ball? Oh yes, that would be fantastic! But with my somewhat subjective personality and full of desire to live intensely, asking for material things has never been my thing. Not that I don\’t want them. Far from me not wanting to be rich to live writing and enjoying life alongside everyone I love and those I don\’t even know lol. But asking for happiness, love and peace, although they seem like repetitive and banal wishes from an older aunt, always made me feel more connected with the Universe at New Year\’s Eve than anything else. And, whatever your belief, each one knows within themselves what connects you with what governs their faith.
By the way, faith is something I only started to have after I separated from Prince Charming. No, it wasn\’t any religion that brought her to me in a moment of despair. I don\’t even know if I have words to explain how I started to have faith (I had a little work to put this chapter in the book I\’m writing, to be honest lol). I think that in my case it was a matter of survival, of believing in a moment of intense pain that there was something inside me that was capable of changing my reality. And so, easier than I could have imagined, things started to change and I with them.
There\’s still a lot to change in me, there\’s still a lot to want and to live. But in the last two years I didn\’t even want to ask for the usual wishes on New Year\’s Eve. I just wanted to pass. I just wanted to celebrate and wish Happy New Year to those around me and, to them yes, the repetitive and banal wishes that I consider so important.
I thought that not wanting to ask for anything was a consequence of my astral hell, which makes me sad and pensive about nothing sometimes. However, I ended up realizing that my introspective moment had nothing to do with my New Year\’s wishes. The truth is, I really had nothing to ask for.
I can say that I have never felt so full of love as I have in the last two years. Despite the distance from the family, I have never felt so loved by them and never loved them as much as I do now. I also never loved myself and wished myself as well as I do today. Yes, I\’m still critical of myself and ripping my jeans after Christmas trying to put them on was an ultimatum in my relationship with sugar (I came to the sad conclusion that we really should stay apart from 2019 onwards, for the sake of my mental health mainly lol). But even that didn\’t shake my confidence and self-esteem and even my self-criticism has been criticizing itself lol.
I\’ve never been so happy. I can see beauty in almost everything, even the shit I do. I, who always loved to laugh, found a place inside myself where I can\’t stop doing it.
And certainly I can also say that never, but never, despite my moments of extreme anxiety and turbulent nights, with thoughts running over emotions most of the time, I felt so at peace with myself, with the life I led and with the choices I\’ve been making like now. Or, I could say, with the things and situations that have been choosing me, because, ironically, sometimes I have the clear feeling that it is life that has been telling me what to do, just me, who spent my life trying to control it lol .
I don\’t really have anything to ask for. New life? What for? For who? I really want that old woman, who in stumbles and accidents, which are never by chance, has been finding new beginnings and meaning for everything that apparently might not make the slightest sense.
What I want more is to be able to keep making mistakes and displeasing, if that\’s how it\’s meant to be. Falling and getting up, but dancing, because I am me, right? Smiling, but crying every now and then, to remind myself of my human and sensitive nature.
New year, long life! To continue being happy and loving, in peace.